Nearly three years ago I decided to start seeing a Psychologist.

I had found myself in a really strange place, and if I’m being honest, it had been building up for a long time. I had just got back from the Novitiate (which is a year long time of discernment/prayer/study that we undertake before taking our vows), and I was having a really hard time of readjusting to “normal” life. The novitiate had been such an insular, inward looking time, and so when I arrived back in Melbourne, where I was all of a sudden thrust into a far more outward focussed way of living, I struggled.

Preparing talks or retreats for schools turned into this colossal task that left me breathless and shaking, my heart pounding.

I’ve always been a highly anxious person. I tend to overthink everything. Before I make a decision, or do something important, I create about a million different possibilities in my head. Nine times out of ten, I realise that it was actually fine and I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Well, once I arrived back in Melbourne, my overthinking was amplified. I found myself feeling physically sick about even the thought of going to greet people before Mass on Sunday. Preparing talks or retreats for schools turned into this colossal task that left me breathless and shaking, my heart pounding. I would find it difficult to sleep at night because of all of these possibilities rushing through my head.

It didn’t take long to acknowledge that I needed help. I spoke to my formator, explaining some of what I was feeling and that I wanted to speak to a professional. This began the journey of the past three years. This is where I think everyone’s mental health journey needs to begin: admitting that we can’t do it in our own. However, before I was able to admit that, I had to navigate two common “stoppages” of mental health:

1. “I’ll get over it”

Perhaps one of the biggest hurdles I faced before actually seeing someone was this line: I’ll get over it. I would say this to myself often when things were bad. The stigma around mental health meant that I was hesitant to admit, even to myself that, well, maybe I won’t get over this on my own? Maybe, just maybe, I actually do need to talk to someone about this. We’re quick to head to the doctor if we hurt ourselves physically. If we break a bone, get an infection, or a bad flu: we head to the doctor straight away. No one would use that phrase then, would they? Broken bone? I’ll get over it. Painful infection? Give it time, it’ll pass. No. We acknowledge that these things need the help of a professional. Likewise, we need to acknowledge that sometimes we do need to talk to someone. Which leads me to my next point…

2. “Therapy is only for people who really need it.”

The next thing that I would do is compare myself with others: my problems aren’t that bad. Seeing a therapist or psychologist is only for people who are really broken. It was so easy to compare my own life with those who have it much worse than I did. It was so easy to minimise my own need for help. Unfortunately, there’s a horrible stigma around therapy/counselling in that our society tells us that it’s only there for those who are seriously broken. This idea takes away from the fact that we all have our own brokenness. We all deserve the opportunity to heal that brokenness.

Fixing our inner brokenness involves exploration, honesty, and a willingness to change.

It isn’t easy to bare your soul to someone. Fixing our inner brokenness isn’t like fixing a physical brokenness: see a doctor, get some medication, rest, heal. Fixing our inner brokenness involves exploration, honesty, and a willingness to change. It involves being able to look within, no matter how uncomfortable that may be, in an attempt to understand the “why” behind your thoughts, actions and attitudes. While it has been a difficult journey, it’s been one of the most rewarding things I’ve done.

As my psychologist can attest, there are days when I really didn’t want to be there, where it all felt too much, and I had to force myself to see him. However, there have also been days of immense revelation, where I had tears in my eyes because I’d found a key that unlocked a certain part of me that I never knew existed; where I had found a deeper awareness of who I really am; where I have looked back and seen how much I’ve grown as a person. Those moments make it all worth it.

There are so many societal stigmas around mental health issues, so many things that might tell us not to seek help. However, living through a global pandemic in increasing isolation has brought to the surface the fact that many of us are struggling. I think, now more than ever, it’s vitally important for us to be able to seek the help that we need, and to be supported in our decision to do so.

As John Henry Newman says, “To live is to grow; to grow is to change, and to have become perfect is to have changed often.” We can’t change our situation without understanding how we got there in the first place.

The path to wholeness starts with a conversation. Don’t be afraid of that conversation.